Emotionless
by Delenn
Summary: NEW: 8-7-03 Despite the vitamins, superpowers, and mixed-up crazy genes, or maybe underneath it all, we are still human. Maybe a little less human, but less than human together.


**Disclaimer: Big shock, I don't own 'em! I'm just messing around, stealin' 'em, cause I can't even rent 'em! How sad is that? So if you still feel compelled to sue, well, you have to have like **no** life!   
  
Author's Notes: This is a reflective, short, Max POV, A/M ficcy, yes it is A/M even if it doesn't out and out say so. Big freaking surprise, I know, more like, been done a thousand times. But this one's got better plot then the others, so THERE! J/K. So be a sport and read it anyway, okay? And then you can rant or rave to me in e-mail. Isn't that so much better then just stopping right now? I mean you already went to the trouble of clicking the link and everything!   
  
Story Notes: I dunno when this takes place in the cannon world. I hate being NORMAL and writing to cannon, have some individuality people! LOL, so instead, I prefer my own crazy universe. Let's see, probably takes place way way way way post the end of the show. Here's a happily ever after, I think.   
  
Summary: Despite the vitamins, superpowers, and mixed-up crazy genes, or maybe underneath it all, we are still human. Maybe a little less human, but less than human together.   
  
Rated: PG-13 more or less after the settled dust.   
  
Feedback: Love it? Hate it? Go on, you'll be my best friend! See, all you have to do is click the little link! goddess_delenn@yahoo.com   
  
Date Started/Finished: August 6th, 2003**   
  


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Emotionless   
By ~Delenn~

  
  
  
  
Escape. Evade. Fight. Train. Analyze. Learn. Fight. Train. Escape. Evade. Control. Obey. Obey. Obey.   
  
Somewhere in their whole perfect programming system, they managed to completely forget the fact that we were human. They didn't mention emotions, feelings, thoughts, individuality, normality, family, freedom, so somehow we weren't supposed to have those things, feel them, need them; be prepared for them.   
  
Be human.   
  
Despite the vitamins, superpowers, and mixed-up crazy genes, under it all, we were still human. We just didn't know it.   
  
Being out in the real world is like walking into some sort of alternate universe where everything is backwards and you have no clue what to do or how to act. Everything that was drilled into our minds from birth seems foolish or creepy out here, useless to the normal people who grew up with everything we lacked.   
  
There was no room in our lives for love, for any emotion. Emotions made us weak, made us think, changed us from controllable soldiers into unpredictable escapees. People.   
  
Nobody can possibly understand how after all these years it's still hard to move past that enough to carry on a regular conversation with a friend. To laugh when something is funny, to even let something be funny.   
  
Still being chased at every turn and being forced to call upon those things we're trying to forget makes it worse, makes it harder each and every day to function as people outside do.   
  
So, how can they possibly imagine how love feels to us, what it's like. A complete loss of control, emotions everywhere. Weakness.   
  
They can't, no one can understand unless they've been there, gone through it, have the same messed up blood running through genetically engineered veins that we do. So, then, how could we possibly love someone who has spent every day of his or her life living and breathing freedom on the outside?   
  
We can't. I can't.   
  
Believe me, I tried, I laughed and sat still and enjoyed dinners with candlelight that was supposed to add romance but simply had me thinking of how unsafe it all was, the many ways the entire place could go up in flames. Mapping out exits and escape routes; always planning for the worst.   
  
Romance. It's hard to see it's purpose, I understand it and sometimes I even crave it, but not romance like that. Romance where I feel normal, to be sure, but with someone who knows candles would be risking too much, someone who would settle for romance in speech and actions more than setting. Someone who I know would and could save my life in an instant, someone I don't have to worry about, someone like me, someone who would be kind.   
  
Ahh, kindness, yet another seemingly simple word that most learn from the moment of their conception. Sure, people have pain and suffering in their lives but they at least understand the concept, all it takes is one moment, one touch, one anything.   
  
We had none of that. Even our interactions with each other lacked such a simple emotion because we were not capable of it. Our goal with each other was to make sure every one of us was satisfied and safe. Thinking beyond that was more than we could have ever dreamed.   
  
Sure, it's hard knowing you're different in every basic move and planned out thought, and it was even harder for me to accept that fact after years of denying it to the core of my being. But it's easier with others, who know, who were there.   
  
It's easier being with him, trying so hard to love him and knowing that it's okay if I still don't have the concept down properly. My learning is excellent with facts, my improvisation perfect with fights, but emotions are a struggle.   
  
And that's okay with him, because he's been there, maybe not with me, but in the same place with the same problems.   
  
Emotionless, like me.   
  
So, it's okay for us, if we learn together, gather emotions together, explore them together.   
  
Cast off the shadow of our training together, slowly but surely. We'll manage to escape our programming yet, and eventually, we won't be emotionless anymore, we'll be whole and together. 


End file.
